*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?