You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*