The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
british sex workers really pound for pound
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry