I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Dune (2021)
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.