Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
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[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Krampus.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?