I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..