Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.