[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Who chose this font
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.