Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
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Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex