Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.