My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Lol
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.