Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
crazy
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.