#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My dog after a walk in the woods.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
☺️
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.