I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house