Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.