Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
water it, i dare you
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.