Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.