Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning