Poetry is my passion
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated