Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan