In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”