Lol.
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Free him
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
As the Lord intended
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
hmmm
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*