Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe