I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.