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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.