My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.