Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I feel seen
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.