A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time