“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.