I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
How high do the levels go?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Writing, She Murdered.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.