*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time