My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Happy Caturday!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.