Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
time for some seasonal decor
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
This is me 🤣🤣
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Why is no one talking about this?!