[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you