If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus