The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Weirdly Wednesday.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either