Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Nose
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone