A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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We’ve come full circle
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Finally
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.