I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve