“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”