I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’m good, thanks.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
What the hell is going on?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Bro what is this
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.