A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.