I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
adding to the discourse
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.