When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.