* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.