[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I’m about to risk it all
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.