I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings