Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?