how to exercise your calf muscles
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.