The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
accurate
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.